I don’t talk a lot about my personal life out on the
interwebs for the world to see but today I really just need to vent.
A little over a year ago (06/18/13) my mom
was diagnosed with
Glioblastoma Multiforme which is a form of brain
cancer.
There aren’t many treatment
options and the life expectancy with this type of cancer pretty much
sucks.
The median life expectancy with
treatment is 12-14 months depending on the size of the tumor, where it is, and
how much they can remove.
She underwent
a resection surgery to remove what they could, followed by six weeks of
radiation, then on to 5 days once a month oral chemo.
The diagnosis was really scary, seeing her in
the hospital and so confused was really scary and overwhelming.
But she came home and things were pretty normal.
She functioned just fine for the most
part.
Some word finding and memory difficulties
and some other random side effects from the steroids.
She had a seizure about once a month and
ended up in the hospital with blood clots in September 2013.
We were on quite the roller coaster from June
until February but overall things were okay.
She was still active if a bit wobbly on her feet and needed a cane to
walk.
She still wanted to get out of the
house and go out to eat or to have a beer at her favorite hole in the wall
bar.
In February the doctors told her
she needed to have a second surgery.
She
opted to do it and things seemed to go well.
Since then she has been hospitalized a few times and has had two more
surgeries and a few different infections.
Suffice to say things have not gone well.
She was hospitalized for almost three weeks
due to a bad infection.
She refused to
eat, she refused to get out of bed, she became incontinent, she was confused,
she was angry, she slept a lot.
It was
finally decided to bring her home and get some help from Hospice.
This is where we are now.
She is home with my step-dad and brothers as her
main care takers and I go over for visits during the week and for the majority
of the day on Saturdays.
Resentment:
a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something
unfair
a feeling of indignant displeasure or
persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury
Resentment sucks. Is this normal??? I can feel that my brothers resent me right
now. Neither of them will talk to me
much anymore since my mom has been home from the hospital. I think they resent the fact that I can leave
while they are there doing all this work so much of the time. I resent them because they don’t have the same
demands and stresses that I do. I also
resent the fact that they resent me.
None of us wants for this to be
happening. No one wants to have to bear
witness to our mothers failing mind and body.
No one wants to have to do care taking tasks we never thought we would
have to do. I understand that this so
hard for them since they have do be the main ones doing the work three and half
days a week. They actually live there and neither works full time so
unless they leave they are in it 24/7. It has to wear on them. I wish there was more I could do and I don’t
want them to hold on to this and it affect our future relationships. I love my brothers but…
I resent the fact that they don’t
understand where I am coming from. I
work full time, have two kids at home, my own house with all the chores that go
along with. It’s not like when I leave
there I am going out and having a grand old time. When I am not there I am at work or at
home to cook dinner, do dishes, do laundry, clean the floors, help with
homework, spend time with my kids, sleep. Luckily I do have help in the chores
department from my other half but I of course feel guilty I am not pulling my
weight around the house. I feel guilty
when I am at my own house because I feel like I should be with my mom and I
feel guilty when I am her house because I feel like I am abandoning my
kids.
I am not saying that any of us has it any
easier than the other because it’s a horrid situation anyway you look at
it. It’s just crappy in different ways for each of
us. It’s hard for me to know what’s
right or what’s wrong in what I am doing.
I know that I am doing the best that I know how and I know that they are
too. I just wish that we could be in it
together rather than playing the blame game especially since none of us really
to blame for any of it.
