I don’t talk a lot about my personal life out on the interwebs for the world to see but today I really just need to vent.  A little over a year ago (06/18/13) my mom was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme which is a form of brain cancer.  There aren’t many treatment options and the life expectancy with this type of cancer pretty much sucks.  The median life expectancy with treatment is 12-14 months depending on the size of the tumor, where it is, and how much they can remove.  She underwent a resection surgery to remove what they could, followed by six weeks of radiation, then on to 5 days once a month oral chemo.  The diagnosis was really scary, seeing her in the hospital and so confused was really scary and overwhelming.  But she came home and things were pretty normal.  She functioned just fine for the most part.  Some word finding and memory difficulties and some other random side effects from the steroids.   She had a seizure about once a month and ended up in the hospital with blood clots in September 2013.  We were on quite the roller coaster from June until February but overall things were okay.  She was still active if a bit wobbly on her feet and needed a cane to walk.  She still wanted to get out of the house and go out to eat or to have a beer at her favorite hole in the wall bar.  In February the doctors told her she needed to have a second surgery.  She opted to do it and things seemed to go well.  Since then she has been hospitalized a few times and has had two more surgeries and a few different infections.  Suffice to say things have not gone well.  She was hospitalized for almost three weeks due to a bad infection.  She refused to eat, she refused to get out of bed, she became incontinent, she was confused, she was angry, she slept a lot.  It was finally decided to bring her home and get some help from Hospice.  This is where we are now.   She is home with my step-dad and brothers as her main care takers and I go over for visits during the week and for the majority of the day on Saturdays.

a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair
a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Resentment sucks.  Is this normal???  I can feel that my brothers resent me right now.  Neither of them will talk to me much anymore since my mom has been home from the hospital.  I think they resent the fact that I can leave while they are there doing all this work  so much of the time.  I resent them because they don’t have the same demands and stresses that I do.  I also resent the fact that they resent me.  

None of us wants for this to be happening.  No one wants to have to bear witness to our mothers failing mind and body.  No one wants to have to do care taking tasks we never thought we would have to do.  I understand that this so hard for them since they have do be the main ones doing the work three and half days a week.  They actually live there and neither works full time so unless they leave they are in it 24/7. It has to wear on them.  I wish there was more I could do and I don’t want them to hold on to this and it affect our future relationships.  I love my brothers but…

I resent the fact that they don’t understand where I am coming from.  I work full time, have two kids at home, my own house with all the chores that go along with.  It’s not like when I leave there I am going out and having a grand old time.   When I am not there I am at work or at home to cook dinner, do dishes, do laundry, clean the floors, help with homework, spend time with my kids, sleep. Luckily I do have help in the chores department from my other half but I of course feel guilty I am not pulling my weight around the house.  I feel guilty when I am at my own house because I feel like I should be with my mom and I feel guilty when I am her house because I feel like I am abandoning my kids.  

I am not saying that any of us has it any easier than the other because it’s a horrid situation anyway you look at it.   It’s just crappy in different ways for each of us.  It’s hard for me to know what’s right or what’s wrong in what I am doing.  I know that I am doing the best that I know how and I know that they are too.  I just wish that we could be in it together rather than playing the blame game especially since none of us really to blame for any of it.

1 comment:

Kelly said...

Ohhh Lindy. You know I am a talker, a venter and probably share too much most of the time...but I have learned that I HAVE TO for my own mental purge of crazy feelings! I can see where this post is coming from, 100%

Although very different, its the same when I say I went through ALL these emotions every time my Dad was very sick for so many years. AND, the feeling I had when my own child was dx'd with a super scary disease? Yeah, emotions are scary sometimes!! That first year I was bitter, angry, scared, confused...lost faith in anything and everything around me. Serious Illness and disease (regardless of prognosis) all lead you down the stages of grief. And that's perfectly NORMAL!!

I still resent my husband for not pulling his weight with Maddis disease all these years. I still resent my sisters for not being there when *I* needed them to help out with my Dad, because I too, had a home and a job and two kids at home (one with a major disease to manage!) yet they assumed *I* would take over!! So, I see where you are coming from. TOTALLY. There is no right or wrong feeling...and feelings will change over time as well. Even if conflict arises, feelings are hurt or relationships change....we get to a better understanding later on when everything settles down. It in turn, strengthens relationships in some ways and if not in your (very unique) situation, you can look back and say you are a wiser/stonger person because of the challenges you faced. Sounds stupid, I know....but I am the person I am today because of many shitty things that have created a new me.

I think the important thing here today is that YOU understand their situation. You understand their feelings (even if they are unjust or "not fair" ) and they may not understand yours, but who would if they never lived a life of a REAL adult ya know? They have no idea what life is like outside of that house, therefore they judge and criticize based on ignorance. You cant be everywhere. You cant be expected to drop your own family and responsibilities. THEY however, NEED to step up and be adults. As much as the situation sucks, its the truth. You are doing your best with the extra time you have. What they will learn from this will be life changing. They have never had to care for anyone but themselves, this care taker role isn't hurting them. (please dont think that I mean they aren't hurting emotionally through all of this) This is guiding them. Teaching them. Helping them grow. They can do this. They HAVE TO do this. Being a caretaker to your dying parent is the hardest thing to go through, but they will be ok. If they need a break they have been told over and over and over to ask for help. We check in with them every few days. Its all we can do, the rest is up to them. The ball is in their court, and I KNOW they can do this.

No matter what you feel, its normal. Its ok. ((HUGS))


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